The Five Real Questions to Ask Trans Children When They Come Out To You

The parenting books and all the advice from your fellow parents never really prepare you for everything, do they? There’s a lot of advice out there about how to handle your children coming out, and a lot of it is — well, it’s fine. But it’s not the best you, someone who loves your child, can do.

Your child having the bravery to come out to you already says so much about your relationship. Whatever hardships you may have had with your child in the past, they’re offering you a chance to truly, meaningfully, see them. So instead of saying, “I’ll love you no matter what,” to your child before you go back to business as usual let’s be clear about something — your child would never have needed to come out if business as usual was good enough.

So here are the real most important questions that not only show your child that you care, but help to put you on a foundation to be on their team.

How should I refer to you and are there any places or people I should refer to you differently around?

This question isn’t just about names, it’s about when and where your child still feels safe to be themselves. In other words, yes, you’ll find out your kid’s pronouns and preferred name as part of this conversation. But. You’re also going to find out if they feel safe at school, around their grandpa, or even with their other parent.

This question helps you to learn the world the way your child sees it: when it’s safe and when and where it’s not. You’re going to learn your child’s true world is a lot smaller than you expected. Make sure to ask not just about the present, but past tense as well. Should you use your child’s new name when telling past stories? Only they can answer that. And over time their answers might change.

What about your room? Should we change anything?

Bedrooms are often a sacred place to children and up until you’ve asked this question your child might have been keeping things the way they felt you’d expect them to be. Be prepared to hear about maybe reorganizing and changing the paint and be prepared to join in on that process enthusiastically.

This question tells your kid that their home is safe, and that they’re allowed to ask for what they need to make it safe FOR THEM. Joining in an 80s movie montage of remaking their room, painting furniture, or whatever will only strengthen your trust that your child has in you. There’s always some little improvements you can make together.

Transition is not just about pronouns and personal fashion, it is about the world around us and how we are treated by the world around us. Your job as parents is not to be a proxy for the world, it is to give your children a small slice of it that empowers them to face the rest. When your kid has ideas about changing the room, your questions should be about planning to get it done rather than why the change is necessary.

What should we do with these photos?

Memories. Photos. Joys of the past, or so you thought. A photo is never just a photo. Ask your children about them. You’re going to find out you and your child were living different lives, and the story you told yourself about how happy they might have been back when is false.

I won’t lie, this portion of the conversation may come with some grief. You may blame yourself that you missed your child’s unhappiness. You may mourn the fact that these stories that made you happy might bring up pain and misery for them.

One of the most important photos of my life was 6th grade, New York City. My father took me to Ellis island to see where our family had immigrated in from Italy. Our name was on the stone there, so it was an important piece of history to me and my father both. I’d never seen a city before, not like that one. In the background, through the fog of Ellis Island, only the twin towers were visible. Next year around the same time, they wouldn’t be visible ever again.

It’s hard to have a conversation about that photo and to find out that the entire time I was on that trip with my father, a trip I enjoyed, I also wanted to die. Not to mince words, but my early interest in reincarnation wasn’t a coincidence. I thought if I died I could be reborn correctly the next time, and I wouldn’t suffer so much.

My father and I never had a conversation about that until years after I transitioned, and he never knew. When I said I didn’t want our old photos so publicly displayed, he assumed I was ashamed of who I used to be. The truth was that all I saw in those photos was pain and the performance I put on to keep the adults around me is happy. Having him hear me about the photos and believe me when I said what I saw in them was a big turning point in our relationship after I came out.

Be pragmatic. Your child may love the stories in the photos, but hate the look. If so, you might consider having them photoshopped by an expert to look more like the way your child saw themselves. Yes, it’s an alteration of the facts, but the facts of those photos are telling a lie. Would you rather a factual photo or an honest one? Editing your child’s photos so they can see themselves in them only makes the photos more honest, even if by means of a fiction.

Your child may be pained by the photos. You may need to mourn and grieve with them while you let the past go together. My new favorite photos are still with my father, still traveling. But now the photos have me in them. Those old memories can’t be salvaged with photoshop, there was too much else happening to me back then to see a happy child in those photos. But now my father does have a happy daughter who smiles genuinely in photos together. I’m positive that you, like my father, will treasure that more than any old photo.

Do you want to change anything about your style or clothing?

Personal expression through clothing is one of the few areas of true individuality we get in our world. Taking control of your body to dress it however you would like is an act of rebellion for trans people. Be part of the process. Your child might go through some phases of dressing in ways you’d consider age-inappropriate but try to remember this child has missed years and years of the fashion that spoke to them and they’re trying to catch up.

They might not want to change a thing about how they look, but by asking you’re reminding them that not only are they in control of their bodies but that you actively empower that control and enable it. Once again, this question demonstrates you’re on their team.

Let’s talk about medical stuff. Is there anything you feel like you need?

This is a contentious conversation, but I’ll state it outright. For children under 13 or so, there are no medical interventions to be had. For children past a certain age, puberty blockers (which are absolutely safe when used properly under the care of a doctor) can be life saving and buy essential planning time. Medicine is no joke, everything in this world has side effects, and while your child might be chomping at the bit to start hormones it’s important to be on their team while keeping things realistic.

This is the time to talk about what they need, what you can actually do medically, and what’s even legal or safe where you live. It’s not a fun conversation, but remember — you are on your child’s team, not acting as a proxy to the world. Your messaging here should be clear that you will help your child and you just have to work together on figuring out how.

Bonus: Do you know how grateful and lucky I feel to get to know you more?

None of this “I’ll love you no matter what.” That’s something you say to a child who just broke the law or did something for which they need forgiven. Your child doesn’t need a platitude about your ongoing love in those moment, they need an expression that shows that they are truly seen, nurtured, and cared for.

The truth is, you are lucky your child said anything to you. Too many, especially in the political environment of the 2020s, have opted to take their own lives than risk sacrificing what little safety they had at home. You should be grateful that your child gave you this opportunity. You should seize it with every fiber of your being. Your actions here, not your platitudes and feigned indifference, are going to set the stage for your relationship with your child for the rest of their lives.

And if you ask the questions from this piece with an open, earnest heart, your kid might just feel the same gratitude and luck about having you for a parent. Isn’t that the dream?

Happy Pride.

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