Y'all please don't play the "I'm your mom now" card this Pride.
I'm not here to shame anyone for this. Please just hear me out and try to understand what it feels like to see those as a trans woman who doesn't have a mother in her life.
I feel angry when I see them — and not necessarily at you for posting them, but for a culture that treats a deep, visceral, ever-present wound on our hearts as something that can be assuaged with a hug and some stereotypical phrases.
Most of you hit share on these and you publish to audiences of hundreds. Thousands perhaps. We both know you can't be a parent to that whole audience. We both know you're posting that as a general message of support.
We both know that isn't really for me. It's for you. And I get it. It feels good to loudly proclaim your allyship to LGBTQ+ folks and to reap the social rewards that come with it. It feels good to hand out mom/dad hugs. But then you go home, and so do we. And you get to feel good about yourself and we get to be reminded that our parents didn't die, they *hate* us.
These platitudes don't help us. They hurt. I don't have a mother in my life. I've gathered a beautiful found family who cares for me, but I don't have a mother. She's not going to be there when I'm healing from surgery. She wasn't there to help me cope with my new social roles. She wasn't there for my breakdowns when men were brutal with me. She wasn't there to be my home to go back to no matter how bad my life gets. She wasn't there. And if we're being honest with ourselves, you won't be either. You're not going to take me wedding dress shopping. You're not gonna be there for all those little rituals. You're not gonna open your home to me so I can just walk in and raid your cabinets knowing you keep some of my favorite snacks stashed away because I do this all the time.
You're not my mom, and I don't need you to be. I'm a trans woman and I am strong as hell to survive this world. I have an amazing family of partners and siblings and community. I'm proud of who I am and who I'm becoming and I'm doing it without her in my life.
When you post these things, saying you're my mom now, it feels like you genuinely don't understand how much that hole in my life hurts, and that what matters is you go to bed tonight feeling good that you made some gesture of kindness towards me. It feels very much like for all your talk of allyship and support that you genuinely do not understand my hurts. And it doesn't feel like you're trying to.
If you're genuinely willing to take on this role in some LGBTQ+ Folks lives, I love that. But these quips of support aren't the way.
So please, I'm begging y'all, don't use one of the biggest and most hurtful griefs in our lives as cheap fodder for you to feel like a good ally. There's lots of other content out there you can share. Spare us this.
Oh my dear friend. You and I are so very different in so many ways but I feel this in my soul. My own relationship with my parents is one that I wouldn't wish on anyone so the whole "mom" and "dad" thing carry connotations for me and don't mean what most people think they mean. For the longest time there were holes in my soul that I gradually filled in with others as you have done and there is no need for "mom" and "dad" and nobody would want to put themselves in those roles anyway. Not really if they understood what those titles have meant to me. And, while I have been "adopted" by kids and teens over the years, kids who are now in their 30s and some of whom still call me "dad", that is a title they gave to me, not one that I would ever presume to take for myself. It was a hard thing for me to get used to at first because of what that title meant to me growing up, but as I healed and remembered what a "dad" is supposed to be, it has become a title I wear with pride and humility at the same time, grateful that they consider me a good man and a safe person for their own kids to grow up with. Whether I am "dad" or "Mr. Tim" or whatever to them, these are names they gave to me and I am honored to receive them but I would never presume to call myself these things... I am glad you have people who love and support you. Of all the basic human needs, I think this ranks up there with nutritious food, clean water and suitable, safe shelter.